“Why are you still single?”
“Can you believe what Congress did?”
“Oh, come on, it’s your favorite pie. Why aren’t you eating it?”
My friends and I are considering skipping our family’s holiday dinners just to avoid answering questions like these. Are you feeling the same?
Before we all cancel our family plans and book a group trip to the beach, let’s consider some strategies that might keep us from losing our cool. Jamie L. Friend, MBC-HWC, a wellness coach at Mayo Clinic, has some suggestions to help make family time a little easier.
Look for good intentions
You might feel judged when your cousin asks you a personal question — like when you’re going to have a baby. But your cousin might just be looking for a way to connect with you.
Sometimes people ask questions like this because they love you, says Friend. “It helps to assume the person means well. They might not know that’s a sore subject for you.”
If you assume they’re asking because they want to know about you and are excited about that potential for you, you might be able to respond less defensively.
If it feels right to you, you could say something like: “I appreciate you, but that’s kind of a tough subject for me. I would love to tell you about my volunteer work or hear about the dog you adopted.”
That way you’re acknowledging their good intentions, setting a boundary for what you don’t want to discuss and offering an alternative way to connect.
Give a heads-up
Staying with someone else can take you out of your comfort zone — especially if you have healthy habits you’re trying to maintain, like getting eight hours of sleep, exercising or eating a plant-based diet.
Friend says it helps to think about what you can be flexible on and what’s non-negotiable for you. Deciding that you can be lax about your bedtime for a few days but need to maintain your diet gives you the chance to prepare what you need — and let your host know.
If you follow a specific diet, for example, you can ask your host if it’s all right that you bring some of your own food. If you go for a run every morning, let your host know you’ll quietly sneak out at 7 a.m. You can decide if you want to invite them along or if you need that as solo time.
Let them support you
If you feel comfortable, you can ask for what you need. If you think your mom will make a double batch of your favorite cookies from childhood, you can tell her that you’re watching your sugar right now. Then she won’t spend time making treats that will go to waste.
You could add, “But if you’re open to it, I love this salad that you make,” Friend suggests.
That way you’re also letting your mom be an active player in supporting you — you’re just giving some guidance about how you’d prefer that support.
Change the subject
Even the closest families or friend groups can have differing opinions on politics and other controversial issues. If you’re not in the mood for debating women’s rights over dessert, try to redirect the conversation to something you can agree on. Try to focus on your similarities rather than your differences.
You could say something like, “I can hear how passionate you are about politics; they are important to you. I am also wondering if now might be a good time for Grandma to share some stories with us about how she met Grandpa since we are all gathered together.”
If that doesn’t work, you could always excuse yourself to wash the dishes or play Go Fish at the kids’ table.
Take a timeout
When you’re stressed, it becomes that much more important to take care of yourself, Mayo Clinic experts say. That’s when you need to make sure you’re sleeping, eating well and exercising.
One way to do that is to take time for yourself. You can — and should — take a break if you need it, even if you’re staying with your in-laws or heading up the festival committee.
If you’re feeling frustrated, short on time or impatient, go back to the basics. Ask yourself:
- Have I done anything for myself today?
- Should I take a minute?
- Do I have to be the one who does it all?
Self-care can just be about pausing. When you’re feeling overwhelmed or emotionally drained, excuse yourself for a break. You could find a place to close your eyes for a few minutes and breathe or go out for a walk.
Set some boundaries
Personal boundaries are individual rules you can set to maintain what’s important to you. It’s also important to enforce your limits. If necessary, tell family members what the consequences will be. For example, “It means a lot to me when you use my name and pronouns. At the same time, I am hearing that you may not feel like you are able to yet. In support of how we are both feeling right now, I may make other plans.”
Knowing and sharing your boundaries can make your visits more enjoyable. Sharing your own boundaries also can make it safe for your family members to do the same. With common understanding, sharing time under the same roof can bring more joy than frustration. And that’s what the season is all about — connecting and celebrating with the people you’re closest to.
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