When children leave the nest — whether it’s to start college, move across the country for a dream job or flex their newfound independence as adults — the transition for parents can be challenging.
Every family with children experiences an empty nest to some degree, according to psychotherapist and Mayo Clinic expert Richard D. Oswald Jr., L.P.C. “The empty nest stage is a natural step and a healthy requirement in the process of life and parenting,” says Dr. Oswald.
However, some parents have more trouble than others do and may experience empty nest syndrome (ENS), a condition characterized by feelings of loss and fear, as well as marital conflict and trouble with identity.
For those already navigating their own empty nests — or preparing for the departure of their children — it is important to understand what empty nest syndrome is and how to navigate this transition with grace and self-compassion.
What is empty nest syndrome?
It’s important to understand that empty nest syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis or formal mental health condition such as anxiety, for example. Instead, ENS is a label used to describe the long-term, maladaptive responses some parents have when their children, or last child, moves out and leaves parents home alone. Though ENS is most often associated with married couples, single parents and guardians also can experience ENS.
Dr. Oswald says it is completely natural to feel a mix of emotions in response to a significant life event or changes in your family dynamic. “Feelings like sadness and grief alone are not indicators of a syndrome,” he says. An empty nest is a typical, if not challenging, life stage. However, long-term feelings that negatively impact your quality of life could indicate ENS.
“Circumstances can have a profound effect on a person’s mental health,” says Dr. Oswald. “In the case of empty nest syndrome, hopelessness, lack of purpose, loneliness, anger, relationship and marital conflict, substance misuse, risky behaviors, and unreasonable expectations are just a short list of possible unhealthy thoughts, behaviors and emotions that someone could have.” In some people, these responses may be connected to an underlying mental health condition or, as Dr. Oswald points out, an ongoing relationship problem.
Not all parents experience ENS, but it is important to take your relationships and mental health seriously, as social isolation can increase your risk of premature death, dementia, heart disease and stroke.
How to prepare for an empty nest
Though it may be tempting to ignore this transition — or only focus on the exciting parts like helping your child shop for dorm room furnishings or plan a wedding — preparing for an empty nest may help you adapt more quickly.
Acknowledgement is the essential first step. “Change is difficult,” says Dr. Oswald, “However, resisting life changes does not prevent them from happening or make it easier to move with them.” To start, consider discussing your emotions and concerns with your spouse, trusted friends or family members, particularly those who have already experienced this transition.
This type of acknowledgement helps you not only face your feelings but also assess the impact of an empty nest on your life. “When the event is recognized and acknowledged, underlying issues can be exposed and addressed to prevent unhealthy responses,” says Dr. Oswald. As you take stock, you can identify your coping behaviors — both positive and negative — and develop a plan to protect your well-being as an empty nester.
However, it is important not to rely too heavily on your children for emotional support, and try not to create an empty nest plan that, for example, revolves around visits or contact with your kids. While staying in touch and helping guide your children is important, Dr. Oswald cautions that parents shouldn’t look to their kids as a solution to their loneliness. You may, for example, work on strengthening your friendships, take time to reinvest in romance, join a book or sports club, or plan a project you can look forward to. In short, both children and parents need to spread their wings during this time.
The idea, Dr. Oswald says, is to take full advantage of your next season in life. “Enjoying the now and planning for the future can help you get the most out of life,” he says.
Finding support with an empty nest
Though it’s important to acknowledge the challenges of an empty nest, it’s also an opportunity for parents to reconnect with their passions, friends and identities outside of child-rearing. Now with more time on your hands, consider how you can prioritize your personal pursuits over the coming years. Is there a hobby you’ve put off for too long? Is there a career change you’ve been meaning to act on? Is there a country or city you’ve dreamed of seeing? Have you always wanted to run a 5k race?
“Look for opportunities to do new things or more of what you enjoy,” says Dr. Oswald. “This can include travel, time with grandchildren, celebrating the accomplishments and enjoying the adventures your children experience, embracing time to enjoy and get to know your spouse better — or again — and being a support and life coach for your children.”
Researchers have also found that empty nesters who use digital technology — such as smartphones, computers and tablets — to keep in touch with others reported fewer depressive symptoms, had higher levels of social support and felt less lonely compared with their counterparts who didn’t use these tools. Consider staying in touch with loved ones with regular calls, video chats and emails. Or join online group.
If you’re feeling lonely or isolated often, consider speaking with your healthcare professional. Let them know about your empty nest, or any other big life changes, and how you’re feeling both emotionally and physically. By getting the full picture, your health professional can better support you and recommend any necessary treatments, counseling or therapy. There’s evidence that therapy can help with empty nest syndrome, particularly acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), which can improve emotional self-regulation and cognitive flexibility in older adults.
Above all, be patient with yourself as you navigate this new learning curve. “When you find yourself doing something new, it’s wise to get support and guidance along the way,” says Dr. Oswald. “So if you are struggling, get help, and use this adventure to grow as a person and as a couple.”
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