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No matter how old children get, learning that their parent or caregiver is ill can be scary. It’s normal for kids to have questions about what the diagnosis means and how it will affect them.
Deciding when and what to tell your kids about a cancer diagnosis is hard, whether the person with cancer is you, your spouse, a grandparent or someone else your children are close to. But to cope with the changes that come with cancer, your kids need information and the chance to process with you.
Have the conversation
Children are perceptive and will notice adults whispering or looking sad, so they need to be told when a loved one is ill. If children aren’t told about the illness, they might imagine scenarios that build on their fears.
“Kids can sense when something is going on,” says Paula Hampel, certified child life specialist, who supports patients’ children at Mayo Clinic. “That is why it is always best to be honest.”
Don‘t wait for your kids to hear it first from someone else first. If your children find out about a new diagnosis or transition to end of life from another family member or friend instead of from you, their caregiver, this could lessen the trust in your relationship, Hampel says.
Try to find some distraction-free time to tell your child about the illness, and to allow time for your child to process and ask questions. For some, a short conversation might be enough to start. Let you child know they can always come to you with questions.
What every child needs to know
A conversation with a child may not be linear and can involve open-ended thoughts and questions. It’s OK to let things flow in kid-like directions. However, here are some things that are important to convey:
- The basics. You might start with naming the disease and letting them know what you are doing to help treat the disease.
- How their lives will change. Kids should know what to expect, and how their needs will be met. Tell them who will take them to school, make their lunch or tuck them in. Explaining the plan lets your kids know you’re always looking out for their needs, even as things change.
- That you’re being honest with them. You don’t have to tell every detail, but your kids need to know that you’ll share the important stuff going forward. It’s okay to acknowledge that it’s scary, and that you don’t know what’s going to happen. Most importantly, tell them that you will continue to give them updates.
- That their feelings are okay. Children who are close to someone with cancer often feel ashamed of their reactions and feelings. Let them know that everyone in the family might respond differently to the diagnosis, and that’s okay.
- That they can talk about it. Asking “Do you have any questions right now?” is a good first step. They might not have the words right away, but they need to know you’re there. Encourage them to talk to you or other adults like family members, teachers, or counselors about their worries and feelings.
Share your emotions
It’s important for children to see the adults in their lives navigate tough situations. Seeing you cry, talk about your emotions or practice self-care makes it safe for them to do the same. Then when they see you go on with your day, you are role-modeling resilience.
You can say, ‘I don’t know’
Children may ask questions about what might happen or about your treatment for which you don’t have answers. That’s okay. You can tell them you will ask the doctor and get back to them. You can also be honest that you don’t know what the future will bring. Just reassure your children that you’ll share any updates just like you’re telling them what you know today.
Maintain schedules
When a parent is sick, a child’s routine can change — especially if others are pitching in to make meals, help with homework or drive the child to activities. Maintain their regular routine as much as possible to give kids a sense of security.
Prepare kids for hospital visits
The hospital is an unfamiliar environment for many kids, so prepare them for what they will see when they visit.
- Take a picture or video of the room to show children before they go. Describe the medical equipment in the room and explain how it’s helping their loved one.
- Explain that the parent might look different. For example, talk about any bruising, bandages or tubing the child will see.
- Walk them through what they might see or experience. For example, “Dad will be in a bed and might be sleeping” or “You will hear beeping from a machine that is helping Dad.”
Let them choose how to be involved
Ask children how they would like to interact before the visit. You can offer suggestions like sharing a stuffed animal or drawing a picture for the wall. If the parent can’t talk, offer other ways to connect, like squeezing a hand or reading a story.
Some children might change their minds when they get to the hospital and that’s okay. They can play in the corner or read a book in the waiting area and try again when they’re ready. There’s no one right way to interact.
Watch for adjustment struggles
Kids don’t communicate stress and fear the same way adults do. Watch for signs that they are struggling to adjust. These may include:
- Changes in eating or sleeping habits.
- New fears, like fear of being alone or fear of their own mortality.
- Regression, like a return to wetting the bed, sucking a thumb or using baby talk.
- Increased dependency or clinginess.
- Much lower grades or academic performance than usual.
Talk to the child about any changes you’re noticing in their behaviors or habits. Ask if they’re noticing them, too, and what they think would help. You also can ask your child’s healthcare team about counseling or other support options.
Take care of you
Taking good care of yourself allows you to take better care of your family. Eat a balanced diet, get enough sleep and take time for yourself. Children benefit from seeing you role-model good self-care.
Mayo Clinic does not endorse companies or products. Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission.
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